Over the course of this “stay-at-home” season, Esther and I worked through a virtual marriage retreat with FamilyLife Canada. One of the most impactful sessions for me was on emotional needs. I defined emotional needs as, “the intangible human elements that we seek from our relationships.” These needs are like the oxygen, when we lose them all parts of our lives begin to suffer. As Esther’s husband, I have an exaggerated ability to bring joy and stress into her life. By identifying her emotional needs, it allows me to better serve her as an individual, not just an idea of how I think she should be treated. And by identifying my emotional needs, it gives me language to discuss how we can grow together in serving each other. These items are not exhaustive or exclusive, nor are they explicitly listed in the Bible like spiritual gifts, but they reflect the heart of God for our relationships as we seek to think of others more highly than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). I have included a scripture reference for each that I think reflects the heart of God. In Part 1, I examined the first four emotional needs. If you have not read that, go ahead and get caught up. Today, I am listing the final four.
5) Honesty and Openness
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. – James 5:16
When we say “I do” to our spouse, we are letting them into the inner sanctum of our hearts. We are becoming one flesh, and the vulnerability of our communication needs to reflect that. If your spouse has this need you will hear them ask questions like, “Whats on your mind?” and “How’s your heart?”. This is one of Esther’s needs and it is not one we share. I tend to move past thoughts quickly rather than inviting Esther into those moments. Honesty and openness is also about sharing private thoughts and ideas. Your spouse should be privy to special knowledge about you that makes them feel valued, treasured, and trusted. Honesty and openness allows your spouse to study you more deeply and enjoy you more fully.
6) Admiration, Respect, and Encouragement
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. – Philippians 2:3
The Bible calls us to think of others more highly than ourselves. And sometimes, that includes expressing those feelings in words. This is my primary emotional need. When my wife praises me, tells me I did well, and encourages me to do more, I am flying high on top of the world. In my position, I receive lots of encouragement from others, but one admirable sentence from my wife means significantly more. It refreshes my soul. The words don’t change anything practically, I know she feels that way toward me, but taking the time to explicitly and intentionally encourage me is a blessing. If this type of encouragement doesn’t come natural to you, start by thinking of all the things in your life that would not get done if your spouse did not do them. Even ordinary things like organizing shoes at the front entrance, or folding laundry. Thank your spouse for that ordinary task and let them know how much you appreciate it. We don’t want to puff up our spouse, but we want them to know they are loved and known.
7) Domestic Partnership
He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? – 1 Timothy 3:4-5
A well-managed home is one of the marks of fruitfulness in the Christian life. This might seem like a physical need rather than an emotional one at first glance, but the home is the setting of many of the most critical functions of a Christian family. Your home is a school, a hospital, a church, a playground, and a restful oasis. If the home can’t function as it needs to physically, you will suffer emotionally. If you or your spouse has this need they will not feel emotionally satisfied when the home is messy. They will find it hard to “breathe” for lack of “oxygen”, or it might just be the smelly dishes in the sink! Rest and recreation are better enjoyed by a spouse with this emotional need after the household chores are done rather than before. It is also important to keep up with the responsibilities you have been delegated as a co-executive of your home.
8) Cherishing
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. – Ephesians 5:29
Regardless of your emotional need list, cherishing your spouse is required. Cherishing means cultivating a life and heart that treasures your spouse as important and valuable. It is about sacrificing your own needs and following through on promises. All spouses want to be cherished, but some want to be reminded of that reality. If your husband or wife has this need, they want to know they are factored into your decision making and planning, they want to know they are on your mind, and they want to know they are more important that anyone or anything else (other than Jesus). You can serve their need by asking their opinion on decisions, texting them for no reason, noticing when they get a haircut, and becoming an expert about the tiny aspects of their personality. Spouses with the need to be cherished want to see intentional effort from their loved one to make their together a priority, regardless of the busyness of life.
A Life of Love
The needs listed in these two posts are just a starting point for conversation and growth. They also apply to those outside of your marriage. If you think about how you interact with your parents or friends, I am sure you will start to see some of these patterns emerge there as well. My dad has the emotional need for recreational companionship, so when there is yard work or a project to be done, that is not just his driven personality, it is him making space for someone (me) to enter into the joy he feels in his work. We are called to love our neighbours and I think these categories will help us understand our neighbours better so our love can be genuine and personal, like Jesus’ love for us.
Discussion:
If you have any thoughts about these emotional needs I would love for you to leave a comment below. Keep the conversation going!
