Over the past few months, Esther and I have been doing a virtual marriage retreat put on by FamilyLife Canada. It has been a good conversation starter for lock-down. We have talked about love languages, how to fight right, Languages of Apology, and a few weeks ago we were given some language to understand how to serve each others’ emotional needs in marriage. We’ve really enjoyed discussing these topics together and wanted to share that experience with you.
Definitions
Emotional needs are the intangible human elements that we seek from our relationships. The seminar hosts described these needs as being like oxygen, when you have it, life is great; but when you don’t, you have problems. Each of us have a unique set of emotional needs based on our personality and background, but there is also consistency in these needs because we are all made in God’s image. This list outlines some common emotional needs and is not meant to be exhaustive or exclusive, but I have found it helpful to start putting language to some of the joy and tension I experience in marriage. When we have language to describe our emotions, it makes it easier to find common ground as a couple. This post will be part one of a two-part series on the eight emotional needs we explored. The first four emotional needs are:
1) Conversation
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24
Conversation is the need for one-on-one talking time together as husband and wife. The need to be face-to-face, to be listened to, and listening to your spouse. There are no rules for these conversations other than they be private, intentional, and undistracted. Sometimes we have conversations about which character from Hamilton we would like to play; other times we are recalling fond memories of grandparents who are with the Lord. This is one of Esther’s main emotional needs. She needs me to take time to give her my undivided attention and engage with her without phones or interruption. It makes her feel valued and special. I tend to process things internally and then move on, which means my conversations can be short, shallow, or non-existent. Esther will sometimes say, “Talk to me”, and suddenly I cannot think of a single intelligible topic. One thing I have found helpful is writing down interesting or personal thoughts throughout the day to bring up later. This allows me to bring Esther into my mess of a brain and increase our unity.
2) Recreational Companionship
‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’ – Genesis 1:28
Man and woman were designed by God for a mission. We were made to bring the earth under God’s rule together. Recreational companionship reflects this design by finding joy in doing activities together. In my experience, men tend to connect this way. While women can sit and chat for hours; men tend to need something to do together in order to connect. In our marriage, it could look like Esther watching with me The Lord of the Rings, 6-disc, blu-ray extend editions (10 hours of Middle Earth Fun!). On the other hand, it can look like me walking through Winners with her, helping her pick out something new for our home or yet another birthday card. Recreational companionship serves the other person even though the activity itself would not be your first choice. It stimulates unity so we can better appreciate and understand our spouse.
3) Time Alone / Personal Space
But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray. – Luke 5:16
Even Jesus needed his alone time. This might seem counterproductive to a marriage relationship. Didn’t saying “I do” mean the end of alone time forever? Not necessarily. Alone time as an emotional need is the need to take a walk, read a book, or take a bath in order to recharge for the duties of marriage and life. Introverted people need this time. A night out with friends or family is often exhausting, and without a chance to be still and gather their thoughts, you may find someone with this need is not responding to other responsibilities or cues. If one of you have this emotional need, it takes both of you to make it happen; one person to take the time and the other person to give it. If your husband is excited to go golfing and comes home happier than normal, it’s not because he delights in time away from you, it is because that time alone has recharged his energy. For myself, I take my alone time in the mornings before Esther wakes up. I make my coffee, listen to my podcasts, and read my Bible. This fulfills this need in my life and gives me a head start on the day. If you or your spouse have this need, try planning these times together at the beginning of the week so you can be on the same page.
4) Sexual Fulfillment
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. – Corinthians 7:5
Sexual intimacy is one of the discerning characteristics of marriage. It is the only setting God has ordained for sexual expression. Sexual intimacy is more than physical. It is an act of spiritual and emotional expression. The need for sexual fulfillment is about feeling attractive and attracted to your spouse. Holding hands when on a walk, a kiss on the forehead when you leave the room, or making sure your hair and clothes are in order, can show your spouse that you are in tune with them. It is about physically including each other in your gestures of romance and love intentionally and regularly. The unique thing about this need is, as a spouse, you are the ONLY person who can fulfill this need for your husband or wife. There is nowhere else they can go to meet this need. Husbands and wives need these physically intimate moments to remind each other they are not roommates, but a one-flesh creation of God’s love and grace.
Growing Together
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
– Philippians 2:3-4
These needs listed above are just one place to start in understanding your spouse better and more fully as you learn to more personally love, serve, and help them grow. This was a great conversation starter for Esther and I. We invite you to sit down together, go through this list, and talk about your emotional needs. Try identifying one that is currently met by your spouse and affirm them. Rate these emotional needs together from most important to least important and brainstorm practical ways you can serve each other. You may value all of these items, or none of these item. This discussion takes our attention off of how we want to serve our spouse and puts the weight on how they need us to serve. It takes humility, patience, practice, and prayer to grow in Christlikeness together. Stay tuned for part two of this list in a few weeks.
Discussion
How do you and your spouse serve each other’s emotional needs in creative ways? Comment below.
